Rant

Wednesday 25th January, 2006 (David G)

Sorry for the big gap in posting. I’ve been uber-busy, honest. Lots of things to rant about. Okay, let’s do this.

Telephony

First up, new phone goodness. I’ve been toying with the idea of getting a new phone for a while now. I know my old one isn’t exactly OUT yet but I do like to be ahead of the game. It works okay and does most of what I want it to do but not everything. Firstly, I don’t like the Symbian operating system. I’m a Microsoft guy through and through… don’t hate me for it. Secondly, no Wi-fi. How pants is that? That’s right, very pants. Thirdly, I like new things and I’ve had this phone for about two years now. It’s time to move on. Fourthly, I get no reception at home for my mobile. You HAVE to be mobile or it doesn’t work. Lastly, fifthly and ultimately, everyone has PDAs these days and I feel left out. I want to be able to run the same software as them. I’m weak. If any ladies have trouble understanding this, just imagine I’m talking about a really nice pair of shoes that I saw and lusted after. Maybe in pink with some straps that would go perfectly with that Monsoon skirt I have. How long would you last?

So, I went into town on my lunch break and thought I would check out what was around. I didn’t want to spend any money, just look. Needless to say, an hour later I had a new phone. The sweet part is, the contract I went for gives you the handset for free and is cheaper than my current contract. I’m saving money by upgrading. Sweet merciful Jesus!

Flexibility

Sarah took me to a body balance class last Wednesday. It’s a cross between yoga, tai-chi and beating sharply beaten about the body with a heavy stick. My mum does yoga and I’ve seen her contorting from one position to the next. “Not too hard” thinks me “I just won’t stretch as far”. I’ve even seen tai-chi on the telly and that looks a doddle. Howard did it for the movie, why can’t I? Plus Sarah told me that the last ten minute of the lesson you lie down on the floor, the lady turns all the lights off and plays soothing music by candlelight. I was pretty sure I could do that. So off we went.

“Stress positions” are a method of torture that involve contorting the body of a prisoner in such a way that his muscles are stretched in awkward and painful ways, cutting off blood to the limbs. I’m not suggesting that the instructor lady was a decommissioned KGB interrogation agent looking for a useful avenue for her dubious skills but I wouldn’t be surprised.

All the positions have fluffy names, “bear”, “downward facing dog” and the like. More apt might be “painful ankle crushing position”, “the back spasmer” or “Christ, my arms, my arms!”. It’s a work out for muscles you never even knew you wanted. Maybe I was doing it wrong. The ten minutes “nap time” at the end is to let the resentment and animosity drain from your body so you don’t lynch the instructor. Not that you could. I get the impression that years of body balance had turned her into a lean mean killing machine.

Did I mention I was the only man there? Why? Because bollocks are a liability when it comes to stretching. Bend in the wrong way and it’s “Adios los testicalos”. As a result I was surrounded by desperate housewives… and not in the good way.

I’m being mean, of course. It was pretty intense but you do feel better at the end. I’ve said I’d go back but I’m not sure yet if that’s because I was scared the lady would leap onto my shoulders and crush my neck with her thighs.

Bulidings

Why are buildings called buildings? They’re built already. They should be called buildings whilst they are being built. Once finished they should be called something else, “builts” I suppose but that sounds stupid. For example we don’t call… erm!... no, I really can’t think of any that demonstrates my point. It just makes no sense and alienates foreign types from learning English, as they should.

Something else

There was something else I was going to rant about but I don’t remember what it was. Yes I do. Last time I played poker round the Messages’ place I woke up to find my trousers had been stolen. This time I woke up the next morning to find that someone had changed all settings on my new phone to Turkish. I’m just saying, be careful, that’s all.

This is rapidly falling apart so I’m going to go do something else. Competition time soon. Only a few more days until Amazon hands over the cash. We still need competition ideas and not “let’s have a competition to see who can come up with the best competition”. I just don’t have enough prize money for that sort of tom-foolery.

Does anyone else like “The Violent Femmes”? They are coming to London and no-one wants to see them with me. Any takers?

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