Let's get physical

Tuesday 22nd November, 2005 (David G)

As I drunkenly told some of you a few weeks back, Sarah and I have joined a gym. I think Sarah was worried I wasn’t actually doing anything and that soon I would be a bed-ridden, three hundred pound lard ball that Jerry Springer would have to nurse back to health after removing the front of our house and craning me out. I went along with it. It’s actually been quite good. Exercising in a proper gym with some company makes the whole thing a lot easier. Except the bit where I have to switch the machines to lighter weights after somebody has already been using them. I should wait and use the machines after a girl has been on them… or perhaps that might be even more embarrassing when I still have to take weight off.

Either way I am starting to feel slightly better and have a bit more energy. I’ve also started eating better. Well, actually, I’ve started eating slightly less rather than “better”. Last week round Brian and Andy’s house I ordered a 9” pepperoni lover* rather than my usual 12” with cheesy garlic bread. As such, in the last three weeks I’ve lost 9lbs.

I mentioned this to Ge the other day and she suddenly sounded quite worried. She said she didn’t want me to waste away. She said I wasn’t fat to begin with. True, I wasn’t fat. But that doesn’t mean I can’t tone up at all. I can even prove that I have some leeway in this matter. You see about six weeks ago they started a health scheme at BT and were giving out free body analysis tests. Our whole team did it. Here are some of my results:

Fat
Target = 12-18%
Actual = 20%

Think on that. 20% of me is/was fat. That’s like my shoulders upwards. Just how much fat is that?

Fat Weight
Target = 10-15 kg
Actual = 17.6 kg

Holy crap! That’s a spicy meatball! 2.6kg of fat beyond the top range for my height. That’s about six bags of sugar worth. No wonder I feel so comfortable sitting down!

Water
Target = 55-65%
Actual = 53.2%

I’d always heard that you were supposed to be 90% water or something but apparently not. Still, I don’t have enough. Enough for what? I don’t know but not enough. Just how much am I short?

Total Body water
Target = 48-57 Litres
Actual = 46.8 Litres

That’s not too bad but apparently I could drink another 11 Litres of water and still be within the healthy range. Maybe it’s just me but that really doesn’t sound very healthy.

BMI
Actual = 25.7

Perhaps I should have asked what this meant. Body mass index, I suppose. I don’t know if it’s a percentage or anything about it. There isn’t a target on the sheet I was given. Let’s say it’s healthy. I don’t know if it’s anything like body fat ratio. I have one body and I have fat therefore my ratio is 1:1. Doesn’t tell me much.

Anyway, I know a few other people have joined the gym as well and I wish them luck. Sarah and I have stuck it out for almost three weeks now which makes it the single most successful exercise campaign I have ever had. Let’s hope I can keep it up.

The point of this post is to assuage any fears that I am going to become some skeletal figure all hopped up on endorphins and “feeling the burn”. I sincerely doubt that. But I do hope to get a little more toned. Maybe even enough to put on one of Sarah’s dresses and parade in front of the mirror saying “Oooo! You’re a pretty thing, aren’t you!”

I’m done.

* Oo-er missus! Still it’s better than repeatedly trying to order a 12” meaty treat from someone who doesn’t understand English whilst your friends roll around the floor laughing their arses off at your frustration.

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